Ten Different types of Imams

For those who haven’t noticed, there are different types of Imams in the Islamic world, including the US:

1- Celebrity Imam: Very good speakers but lousy leaders. While they talk about improving communities, others are working hard doing it. They are more like cheerleaders: attractive, loud, boost morale, but for the real game they’re worthless.

2- Royal Imam: Mostly hired by governments, voice of the government. They represent powers and the wealthy, not the people and the faith.

3- Basement Imam: The dude who googles everything and learns everything on his or her own then comes up with his or her own bullshit. They’re like the MBA rejects who ended up selling Multi-Level Marketing scams, or more like the moron in Holiday Inn commercial who says “no, but I stayed at Holiday Inn Express last night!”

5- Haram (forbidden) Imam: Something really bad happened to these guys when they were young kids. These imams are obsessed with what’s forbidden to do and they keep telling others that everything is Haram until proven it’s halal.

6- Halal (permissible) Imam: These guys are high on drugs! Everything is permissible, everything is right, no one is wrong.

7- Money Imam: Want to cleanse your heart, get close to God? Come to our seminar and pay $150 for two hours!

8- Bandwagon Imam: Their sermons are news headlines. They lack creativity so badly that they can’t think of anything, so they end up talking about whatever it is that leads the headlines.

9- Nerd Imam: It’s in this book, that book. They keep referencing books because they can’t deduct anything on their own. And these books are mostly from a 1000 years ago.

10- Real Deal Imam: You heard their voice, you saw their face, and your soul knew these people BEFORE even you got to meet them or learn about them.

Iranians

Arab Spring

Arab Spring

Police identifies the #$#&ing selfish inconsiderate double-parking asshole who blocks cars during Taraweeh

A local Muslim decided to park ON the masjid building

Los Angeles, CA -

Area man has been identified as the asshole who blocks your car in the Masjid parking lot during Taraweeh, but police is not releasing any details yet. “All we know is that he’s some freaking moron of some foreign descent”, said Masjid’s spokesman, Hadim Bolandji. “He is being interrogated and we hope that his ass is sent to GITMO for God’s sake!”

Many locals are not completely relieved by this identification. “You know, we have many assholes in our communities, we just caught one” said Murid Shenh a pre-Med student. “I told the imam let’s scratch their f-ing cars, but this mosque won’t let me do that.”

Parking is becoming a serious problem for Muslims across the nation especially during Juma and Taraweeh prayers. “Best time to find parking is during Fardh prayers, like Fajr or Asr prayers no one shows up” said Imam Jundali of a local mosque.

Top ten signs that you’re at a Progressive Muslim Friday Prayer

10- The Friday prayer is held in a Hindu temple

9- The Adhan is called with music background

8- The prayer is lead by a woman in boots

7- The khutba is enhanced by a PowerPoint presentation

6- There is an intermission with cheerleaders in the middle of the two Khutbas

5- Topic of the Khutba: “Pope, the real Imam”

4- Kosher organic hot dogs are served during the khutba

3- The first khutba is interrupted with a commercial about eating organic foods

2- Imam goes into a Yoga stance during the second khutba

and the number one sign that you are praying Jumua
with “Progressive” Muslims:

1- The sister standing next to you is still in her Hooter’s uniform!

Photo of Osama bin Laden’s last moment

Photo of Osama bin Laden's last moment

What does Osama Bin Laden’s death mean?

Does it mean:

1- I can keep my shoes on when going through security at the airport?

2- The US will leave Iraq and Afghanistan?

3- Will Donald Trump want Osama’s death certificate?

4- Will the Tea Party rednecks be taken over by Shariah Law?

5- Will dogs stop chasing cats?

6- Can we, the brown people, can now say “I gotta go” on Southwest Airlines?

7- Can Sikhs wear their turbans without being shot at by stupid rednecks?

8- Can we build a church near where bin Laden was killed?

9- Will FoxNews have some conspiracy theory that bin Laden pretended to be killed to help Obama’s 2012 campaign?

10-  Will there be a banner saying “Mission really really really accomplished” ?

Ideological philosophies of life

In life, shit happens:

- Islam: If shit happens, it was the will of God

- Catholicism: If shit happens, it was your fault.

- Baptism: If shit happens, it was promised in the Bible.

- Atheism: I don’t believe this shit.

- Paganism: If shit happens, it’s natural.

- Hinduism: This shit happened before.

- Salafi: This shit is blasphemy.

- Judaism: Shit happens to us all the time

- Zen Buddhism: When shit happens, will it make a sound?

- Capitalism: If shit happens, how much will it cost?

- Zionism: This shit belongs to us.

- Realism: Shit!

- Televangelist: Shit happens, but if you send money, we’ll make it go away.

- Fig Tribune: If shit happens, it must be funny.

Mini Saudi Me

Bahrain: Saudi’s Minime.

Alarmed by rising Islamophobia, a group of angry Muslim leaders organize to do nothing

Indianapolis, IN – Hundreds of American Muslim leaders and activists gathered together in a Holiday Inn convention center (they got an inside deal) to organize a massive national do-nothing campaign against the rising Islamophobia.

After three hours of boring speeches and a fancy Biryani dinner, leaders and activists agreed that they are too busy to be bothered with anything. “I have to be at the clinic 7am tomorrow, sharp!”, said Dr. Jizmit, a local leader, “I’m sure others will do something about all this hate messages.”

Mr. Omar Hasned, a local engineer, gave a 90-minute speech about world history and Muslim contribution in 13th century. “I’m sure others will do their job and do something about Islamophobia, but for now, I’m busy with a gas station I started in Illinois”, Hasned told us while rushing to his BMW.

“We will swiftly and firmly object, reject, and condemn whatever, then do nothing. That will send a strong message to all haters”, said Hasned in his speech.

The next angry meeting will be held as a pool party at Park51 in New York City.

How many Wahhabis does it take to change a light bulb?

There is no mention of light bulbs in the Quran, although sometimes it does mention light.
There is not a single reference in Hadith about light bulbs at all.
This concludes that light bulb is an innovation (Bid’a). All innovations are forbidden.
Now that Quran mentions light, using any other light other than the light mentioned in the Quran is Shirk (polytheism) and forbidden.
Furthermore, light bulb was invented by infidels, so its origin is in the culture and practice of infidels.
Muslims are not supposed to imitate infidels in anything.

Therefore, anyone who changes a light bulb is committing Kufr and Shirk.

Bahrain’s king: Iran to blame for my image

Manama, Bahrain, April 3 2011 -

His Eminence King. Hamad bin Isa Al Khalifa today issued a statement blaming Iran for interfering with his image and the image of Bahrain.

In the official statement, his kingliness said: “Iran, Hezbollah, and Shiites have been distributing pictures that make me look like a short fat idiot dictator with a stupid mustache.” He also said: “In reality, I am a tall thin handsome young man and very smart.But these damn pictures make me look like a cowardice retard.” In an interview, his assness said: “Our country is the largest country in the world, but Iran makes it look like a small shitty worthless island.”

When asked if he was escape-goating to blame his internal apartheid problems on Iran, he went on to say: “No. This is not true. We have no blacks to blame, so we blame Shiites and Iran.”

The photo distributed by Iranian news agencies is this one:

King Al Khalifa the short dictator with a stupid mustache

The actual photo authorized by Bahrain’s authorities and Bahrain TV is this one:

True picture of the King as authorized by Bahrain TV (which tells no lies)

 

Official Logo of the Iranian Green Movement

The Official Logo of the Iranian Green Movement

Angry Arabs!

The new popular game in the Mid East!

The ultimate guide for innocent Muslims who get visited by the FBI

If you’re a Muslim and a couple of FBI agents in nice suits knock on your door for no good reason, here is what you need to do:

1- Open the door and say: “Gentlemen! You forgot the pizza!”

2- Greet them and say: “yeah, uh, one large fries, and a medium coke, make that to go”

3- Pretend that you’re getting a phone call from your butt

4- Open the door and say: “oh sorree, me no english no good, you speak Pig Latin?”

5- Give them Jehova Witnesses literature

6- Ask them why they haven’t converted to Islam yet

7- Scream in panic “DUCK DUCK DUCK” … and while screaming that, show them a picture of a duck

8- Point to the sky and say “PHONE HOMMMMEEE”

9- Say: “I will gladly answer all of your questions, but first I need to call my mother ship”

10- Pretend that you don’t speak English, make them hire an interpreter, then after the session is over start speaking English loudly

11- Invite them inside, but first pat them down!

12- Tell them to ask their question in140 characters or less

13- Answer their questions in 140 characters or less

14- Pet your imaginary dog

Wikileaks report: Santa is real!

The real Santa in a rare photo shown throwing stones at occupying soldiers.

In a shocking revelation by recent documents on Wikileaks, Santa Clause is not only real but in 2004 he converted to Islam. Since then he changed his name to “Sheikh Clause” and has been an activist for Palestinian rights.

Local Tea Party leaders and rednecks are in total dismay. “First it was our president and now it’s Santa, we got to stop Islam from taking over so fast” said a local Tea Party member with an IQ of 25. Other Tea Party members fear that Santa was not white all this time and perhaps born in Kenya or even worse, in Jerusalem.

Others aren’t that worried. James Jengiri of San Antonio Texas is actually happy about the news. ”I’m kinda relieved that he’s not a Catholic, now I can relax when my son sits on his lap”, said James.

Pastor Terry Jones ‘suspends’ burning Qur’an due to Kool-Aid shortage

As more details emerge from Pastor Terry Jones’ call to burn the Holy Qur’an, we learned that there was not enough Kool-Aid drinkers to provide the support Terry needed.

“Majority of the Kool-Aid were consumed by the tea-party supporters”, said Jones’ spokesperson, “it’s sad, there aren’t enough crazy stupid people in the world anymore to support us, we miss the dark ages.”

When asked if they will resume burning Qurans, the spokesman was not sure. “Our next bonfire is to burn women for being witches.”

Protests grow over building a Church near an elementary school

Fortuna, CA -

More than 100 protesters gathered at the ground breaking ceremony of a new Church in a small peaceful neighborhood in Fortuna, California. Many families and relatives of molested boys are outraged.

“Building a church near an elementary school is insensitive to the parents with molested kids”, said Jane Rose, a local victim. Supporters of the church were on the other side of the street. “This is not a Catholic Church, it’s a Baptist Church. There should be no worries, the kids in the school will be safe”, said Ernest Gaylordman, the director of the church.

Local Catholics objected to Gaylordman’s comments as bigoted and ignorant. “Just because a number of priests abused their powers and molested kids, it doesn’t mean all catholics are like that”, said Chris Hamold, a local priest.

“We know that not all catholic priests are child molesters, but all molesters are catholic priests”, local protesters argued.

The plans for building a church near this elementary school has not been canceled. But a nearby town is worried about a Synagogue near a local bank.

Based on new scientific calculations, Friday prayers to be held on Sundays

Allentown, PA – A group of leading Muslim doctors, engineers, scientists, dentists, chiropractors, janitors, activists, and 7-11 store owners announced today that Friday prayers will be held on Sundays starting September 1st in 2010.

Citing scientific data, the group argued that there is no proof that today is Monday or Tuesday or whatever. “We really don’t know”, said Ahmed Jalebiani “It’s all arbitrary anyways, so who knows Sunday could actually be Friday”.  Jalebiani is a local dentist who has been an advocate for scientific calculation for Islamic rulings.

“It is all about science, this is the 21st century, we’re in America, we should pray on Sundays, that simple” explained Murad Abu Hamur, “I did calculation that dates Sundays back to Fridays during prophet’s time, that means we are reviving the Sunnah by praying on Sundays”.

Others in the community showed excitement and a warming welcome of this new idea. “Wallahi it’s fantastic, it will unite the Muslims” said Hamid Nocluer “Sundays are much easier to get together than Fridays, I don’t have to worry about closing up shop”.

In particular, Muslim liquor store owners were happy about this new development because they don’t have to close their stores on busy Fridays. “You know, Fridays are busy for us, all these college kids want to get drunk, big dilemma for me to close and go to prayers on Friday? or stay open and make money? But this Sunday Juma prayer is brilliant, makes everyone happy”, explains Jowhar Hitham a local liquor store owner.

The group’s next plan is to do scientific research to conclude that it’s better to pray Fajr prayer around 8am.

Unusual Sense of Unity Worries Local Muslim Community

San Diego, CA – An unusual sense of unity is drawing criticism from some long term members of this small Masjid in the suburbs of San Diego, CA.

Since 2005, the Las Palamas Masjid has had no major fights or divisions. For the first time since their creation in 1969, they have completed projects and accomplished major achievements. “It is totally pathetic,” said Omar Ghorani, a local chemical engineer, “This community actually gets work done, which is an outrage”.

The community has managed to create a free clinic, a homeless shelter, a full-time K-12 school, a four-year Muslim university with Nobel Prize winners, a TV station that generates $400 million a year, and whole new generation of kids that walk on water.

“We had our little piece of heaven right there, fighting each other over stupid trivial shit,” said Solaiman Hanzi a local physican, “But now, it’s all unity and accomplishments. I miss those days when we did nothing.”

Of the most upset people happens to be Azim Quarami, a local Halal store owner who has been a member of this community since late 1960’s. “When we built this mosque, we wanted it to be divided like every other normal mosque in the country”, said Quarami, “but an idiot imam came here and unified this community.” Quarami has warned the community that if the unity continues, he will discontinue Halal lamb at his store and the residents will be forced to buy their halal lamb from Cosco.

But a new spokesman for the Masjid said that a new board of directors will soon come to power and everything will change. “I am confident that we can manage this situation,” said Phil Johans, a recent Jewish convert and a new volunteer at the Masjid, “Our plan is to focus on dividing factors such as Shia-Sunni and Pakistani-Arab stuff then everything will go back to normal.” Johans further explained that after sectarian divide and racist divide, they will implement board directors’ egos to further cause divide.

The current board of directors and imam are to resign soon and a new all-Arab board is supposed to take over by next week. However, the new all-Pakistani board is challenging the all-Arab board. “There is hope that we could get back to the old ways of fighting over stupid bullshit”, said Johans, “I am very optimistic that we will be divided again and will not accomplish anything for our community, then everyone will be happy again.”